Torn

We have some big decisions to make about our house. When we bought our house seven years ago we knew that one day they would be buildiing new houses in a new neighborhood further back our main street. I had always hoped that when that happened we would be ready to move. When they made the big announcement last summer that the new home lots would be available for purchase this fall I got so excited.

I have been doing everything in my power to gather as much information as possible about the new neighborhood and about the value of our current house. We are hopeful that everything will work out, but I'm nervous that it won't. There are just so many things that need to fall into place and it just doesn't seem possible that it could all happen. Of course the biggest obstacle is money. Isn't that what everything comes down to? The value of our house, the price of the new homes, the amount of the down payment, and the successful sale of our home for the amount of money we need to move.

I've been feeling torn about a possible move. As much as I want to move to a bigger house, I'm not sure I can say good-bye to this one. We have so many memories here.  Our children spent their baby years here. I can look into every room and see a memory of one of them laughing, smiling, learning to walk or crying. During the day when I am struggling with all the issues that having a large family in a small house creates I'm ready to move on, but at night when the house is quiet and I have time to reflect about the last seven years it makes me sad to think about leaving. We want our next house to be the one we stay in for years and years and years. We'll have an opportunity to make so many more memories there, but it's always sad to say good-bye.

I'm not sure where we're going to end up in the next year, but I'm getting the distinct feeling that it's time to move on. I'm not one that embraces change easily. I love to think about it. I love to plan for it. But actually making it happen is another story. Right now I'm just praying for answers. We could definitely stay in our current home for several more years, but an opportunity to build a new home while staying in our current neighborhood/school district won't come along very often. I'm just so grateful to be in a position where building our dream house is something that we can even seriously think about.

I'll leave you with the link to our dream house. Maybe one day I'll be posting pictures of our new house.

http://www.ryanhomes.com/community/maryland/eaglehead-at-lake-linganore/avalon

One Word Wednesday: Helpers

ISO Challenge: Faceless Self Portrait

It took me days to think about what I was going to do for the Faceless Self Portrait Challenge. I have been "unofficially" participating for a couple of weeks but I really wanted to get an offical entry in this week. On Friday I put my Journey 4A Cure t-shirt on and headed to the gym for a great workout. It just so happened to be the last day of September and the end of Childhood Cancer Awareness month. On the way home it dawned on me that I wanted my self portrait to be a picture of my shirt. It felt just right! It took a few tries to get just the right position, but I love how it turned out! I love how the flash reflects in the mirror. It reminds me of the bright lights of Heaven- all the beautiful souls of children shining down on those they left behind.

It's been a year since little Declan's Journey changed me. His death just 6 days before his first birthday from cancer broke my heart. Since then too many children have died from cancer and I've learned of a little girl at my son's school who is also fighting her own battle with cancer. Childhood Cancers are underfunded and under-recognized by our society because the topic is too hard for most people with healthy children to face. But our children deserve better. I donate to many charities throughout the year, especially those related to children, but this one is the one that means the most to me. They deserve to get to live their lives. So today my entry is for Declan, Gabby, Ethan, Lily, Emily, Kate and all the other children I've prayed for.

One Word Wednesday: Babies

Goodnight Moon

Nathan read Goodnight Moon in First Grade last week. It's been one of our families favorite books since Nathan was tiny, often asking for the "moon" book. He's probably had it memorized for years! Now when I ask the twins to bring me a book to read they bring over "Goodnight Moon" frequently.

For those of you who don't know the book, it goes a little something like this. After describing the items in the room, the narrator begins to say goodnight to each of them. It starts like this: In the great green room there was a telephone, and a red balloon, and a picture of the cow jumping over the moon."

And ends like this: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light and the red balloon. Goodnight bears and goodnight chairs. Goodnight kittens and goodnight mittens..."

As part of his assignment Nathan had to write his own version of "Goodnight Moon" by completing the phrase "Goodnight _______."

Goodnight bas fishin bot (bass fishing boat)
Goodnight oshin (ocean)
Goodnight nony (Nonny)
Goodnight Pap
Goodnight bekol (Binkle aka Bullwinkle)
Goodnight Tate
Goodnight ski (Skye)
Goodnight dady and Momy (Daddy and Mommy)

Every line of it reminds of where Nathan is in his life right now- the things he cherishes most and the people and pets in his life .  He's doing so well in school and I'm so proud of him!

One Word Wednesday: Bait

Flashback Friday: A Classic Motorcycle

This is one of my favorite pictures of Nathan and Tate from the summer of 2008. Nathan had just turned three and Tate was only about seven months old. They were just beginning to enjoy playing with each other.

Our neighbor gave us this really cool battery-powered motorcycle. The boys loved it for years. That summer was filled with so many great backyard memories! I remember watching Nathan play on the motorcyle and thinking that Tate would love it too. He wasn't walking yet and was still pretty wobbly, but Nathan held on to him so tightly and I snapped a quick picture. Almost as soon as I took the picture Tate started to slide off and I had to catch him before he hit the ground.

This picture has been displayed on my fridge for years. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Flashback Friday

I was thinking the other day that about how many events and trips I've missed blogging about because life has been so crazy around here for the last two years. So I've decided to create "Flashback Friday." "Flashback Fridays" will allow me to blog about things that I wish I would have had the time to write about. I'm really looking forward to searching my archives of pictures and coming up with my first "Flashback Friday" post tonight after the kids go to bed! These posts will not be in any chronological order, just whatever strikes me as a fun story or a great memory. I hope you enjoy them!

One Word Wednesday: "Puzzles"

In Search of Creativity

Most of you who know me personally know I love my camera. I take it almost everywhere I go. My kids have all learned to say "Cheese" before they could say their own names! I think my love of pictures is genetic. My grandmother never left home without her camera either. She album after album filled with pictures of her grandkids. I got my first camera in elementary school one Christmas and went through at least two rolls of film before the day was over. In high school I took a photography class and loved every minute of it.

While I'm not the most creative person in the world, I have found that I can occasionally capture pictures that I can be really proud of. I recently came across a photography blog that has literally challenged me to be more creative with my pictures. I love it because I'm always one of those people who wants to be creative but can never think of anything creative to do. Each week they issue a challenge and then select the winner. While I haven't participated in their contest I have been trying some of their challenges for myself. My first attempts were with "Water" and "Feet." I call these "SPLASH" and "New Sneakers."

I challenge all of you to pick at least one of their challenges and try it!! It's a lot of fun!

http://isophotos.blogspot.com/

Why Do Brothers Fight Like This????

Our Little Fella

Jackson is our "little fella." He is younger than Lana by only two minutes, but most days she acts two years older than him. They have a very special relationship. He depends on his "Sissy" to take care of him and she loves acting like his little mommy. They share a room but have seperate beds. We frequently find him sleeping in her bed. When she gets mad at him and kicks him out of her bed he will sleep on the floor next to it. She likes to try to change his diaper and leads him by the hand to where she wants him to go.

He will usually play anything that she wants to play. While he loves to play with his cars, trucks, tractors and trains, he most often plays with her dolls, kitchen, jewelry and dress-up clothes. His older brothers still play a little too rough from him so he shy's away from playing with them. 

He's very quiet and doesn't talk very much. Some of his favorite words are: tractor, choo-choo, truck, puppy, bubbie, Elmo, Big Bird, cookie, cheese, juice and water. His favorite song is "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and he like his sister he loves to read "Go, Dog, Go." He also loves Thomas the Tank Engine stories. He loves play-doh but he eats it like candy whenever he's playing with it.

He is such a sweet little guy. Giving kisses and hugs all the time. I love to hear his sweet little giggles. He's starting to get a little temper, which is cute until he gets really mad and has a complete melt-down. He's also finally starting to stand-up to his siblings a little bit more. He gives them a little slap to the back of the head when they're upsetting him or bullying him. While I don't like to see my kids hitting each other I also don't like to see one being so timid that he's always the one giving up his toy.


Every night he sleeps with an entourage of blankets and stuffed animals. When he does sleep in his own bed it is filled with a Care Bear, a glo-worm, at least two blankets, Telly Monster, Big Bird, Ernie and Zoe from Sesame Street.

That Girl Can Talk!

Lana is our little talker. She always has something to say. At 18 months she used more words than I could count. Some of her first words included: cheese, juice, shoes, purple, hi, bye, Mommy, Daddy, baby, dollie, dog, duck and Nathan. There were so many more, but I'm having some trouble remembering them all. Her first sentence was: "Help me."

At almost 23 months she has many phrases that she uses frequently. We often hear: "All done." "Mine."  "Nathan bus." "Pap truck." "I want ----" "Hi Mommy! (or Daddy, etc.)

Her vocabulary has increased dramatically. Some of her favorite words are: princess, pink, puzzle, potty, no, Nathan, Tate, Jackson, play-doh and car.

Her favorite show is Sesame Street and she loves Abby Cadabby. She calls her "Abby Gabby" or "Gabby Abby."

She loves to sing. Her favorite songs are "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." She also loves to count to two. I frequently hear her little voice throughout the house counting "one two one two one two" over and over again. She is also a book lover. Her current favorite book is a mini-version of  "Go, Dog, Go." She loves to read books to herself and have others read books to her.

Three's Preschool for Tate

Tate started preschool in the three's class on Wednesday, September 7th. It was a cold and rainy day thanks to Hurricane Lee. He didn't seem to be too excited about going to school, but when it was time to leave the house he grabbed his bag and headed straight for the car. He wouldn't even stop for a picture. He was really excited about his special school bag. His teacher likes the kids to have gift bags so I got him a plain green one and put pictures on it of him doing his favorite things. I also put stickers all over it and then covered it in contact paper. He loves telling people about the things on his bag.

He went straight to his class and started playing with a Bob the Builder toy. His little friend Brad came over and played next to him. I got a few shots of them playing, but neither would stop playing long enough to look at the camera. I snuck out of class quietly and he didn't even seem to notice I was gone.

I checked on him a couple of times, sneaking a peek through the window of the classroom door. He sat listening to the story during circle time, ate his snack at the table and even completed his little project by putting stickers on a paper with the number three. At the end of the day he lined up with his class, walked down the hallway and waited to be dismissed by his teacher. To say that I was surprised that he cooperated so easily is an understatement! I am so glad that he enjoyed his day even though he was disapointed that the playground was closed due to the rain. I hope the rest of the year goes as smoothly as the first day of school.

In addition to preschool he still attends speech therapy once a week at the local elemetary school, but he is making great progress. He even helped me read "Dear Zoo" to him today and did a great job with all the words!

Currently his favorites are:
Color: Green
Food: Pizza
Drink: Orange Juice
Toy: Boats, Trucks, Tractors and Campers
Friend: Nathan
Favorite Place to Visit: Hersheypark
TV Show: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & Tom and Jerry Cartoons aka "that mouse and cat show"

First Grade for Nathan

It's that time of year when the kids start heading back to school. Nathan was the first to go. He had his first day of First Grade on Monday, August 29th. It was a beautiful summer day. I can hardly believe Nathan is old enough to be in First Grade! He seems to like his teacher and is enjoying the kids in his class. Two little girls from his bus stop are in his class as well as several kids from his Kindergarten class. He doesn't say much about his day, but I can tell he's enjoying it so far.

He still likes to buy his lunch and he enjoys picking out a new library book each week. His weekly progress reports from his teacher reflect a good attitude and good work habits. He tends to socialize a little too much, but we're working on that. He is also looking forward to starting Boy Scouts this year.

What do you like most about First Grade?: That I get to learn new stuff and make new friends.

What do you want to learn about this year?: How to write my letters better. I also want to learn about space.

Who are your friends this year: Simon K., James, Zach, Bella, Gracie, Hannah and Roman.

Do you like First Grade better than Kindergarten?: I think I liked Kindergarten better. I was in Kindergarten longer. I haven't been in First Grade that long.

The days are long, but the years are short.

I'm going to gradually catch up on what we did this summer, but for now I just want to write about how big my kids are getting! I just can't believe we sent Nathan off to First Grade and Tate went to preschool and next month my babies will be TWO! Where has the time gone??? Each day seems so long but the years seem to fly by. We've struggled to get through the past two years, but it's amazing to look back and see how much joy there was amidst the struggle. We laughed, we cried and we survived on very little sleep! Sometimes it seemed that this day would never come, but here we are! I'm just amazed. I can't wait to see what our kids accomplish in the next two years. I miss my snuggly little babies, but I love watching them learn and grow into amazing big kids.

Sunbeams and Storm Clouds

After absent-mindedly blurtting out "I don't know how you do it" today, I'm admitting that it's a lot easier to say than I was willing to admit in my last post. It's still on my list of "pet peeves," but I'll work on letting it bother me less.

While I still want to use this blog as a place to chronicle our family life, I'm also working on making it a place where I can write about other topics as well. There are always so many things in my head that I need to express somewhere and I have found it very therapeutic to write about those things in a place where many of my other "mommy" friends can read them and know that they're not alone. I have found through Facebook and my blog that we have so many things in common that we never talk about with anyone because we don't think they'll understand our daily struggles. It's comforting to know that there are others out there who feel and think like you do. While this blog is primarily for me, it is also for them.

If you're reading any of my posts, please remember that they only really reflect how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking in a very specific moment in time. Please take it with a grain of salt, and remember that my writings are usually not about people who know and love us in our daily life, but are usually a reflection of a specific incident that has occured while we're out of the house and interacting with strangers. We have twice as many children as the average family and that seems to leave people speechless.

I'm not sure how many people are reading my blog these days, but I do want to thank you for reading! I promise to give a family update soon! We've been quite busy over the summer! I'll leave you with one of my favorite pictures from this summer. Everytime I look at it I'm reminded of that old song we used to sing in Sunday School about "sunbeams." I'll try to do a better job of being a "sunbeam" myself. Instead of a storm cloud!

Jesus wants me for a sunbeam,
To shine for Him each day;
In every way try to please Him,
At home, at school, at play.

A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam;
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I’ll be a sunbeam for Him.

"I don't know how you do it."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this phrase since we had the twins. If I had a dollar for everytime someone said this to me I'd be rich by now! I think most people  say that to me because they really can't imagine what having four kids in four years would be like. But to me it seems almost like an insult. Like a million dollars wouldn't be enough to convince them to trade places with me.

I just hate it. Because it also feels like it's what they say to me when they can't think of anything else to talk to me about. I know my life would be overwhelming to most people and they can't even imagine what my typcial day is like, but really, what choice do I have?? I didn't choose to have twins. They simply run in my family. It's not like I can say "No thank you" and give one of them back. We all do what we have to do. We all tackle each obstacle that's been placed in front of us as best we can.

So you're probably wondering how I typically respond to this statement. What I usually say is "You'd be surprised at what you do when you have no other choice." Personally, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I tackle breakfast, then lunch time rolls around. In a little while it's nap time. Before I know it it's dinner time, bath time and then bedtime. Monday turns to Tuesday and then suddenly it's Friday. I try to ignore the mess. I do my best to listen as they talk. To remember that they're not going to be little forever and that in a few short years these struggles will be a distant memory. Most of all I try to laugh with them at all the silly little things they find funny.

I want so badly to enjoy the year between Lana and Jackson's second and third birthdays as much as I enjoyed Nathan's. I lost that year with Tate because of the twins. That year with Nathan was one of the best years I've had as a mom. I wish I could make it up to Tate, but time keeps marching forward.

These days I'm struggling to balance the fun activities with the necessary mom duties. I love to spend my day reading books, playing play-doh, coloring, playing trains, playing dress-up and watching the kids play together. But I'm  usually interupted with potty breaks, snack times, dirty diapers, mess clean-up and so many other things that just can't be left until tomorrow like the laundry, cleaning and the dishes. You quickly learn to set priorities and learn very fast how to tune certains things out. The noise level in my house often reaches ridiculous levels, but most days I barely notice. But most people have very little tolerance for the type of craziness that goes on inside my house because they aren't exposed to it very often. I can be a very lazy mom at times. I certainly don't do as much with the twins and Tate as I did with Nathan at the same age. I typically don't do finger-painting or arts and crafts. But as the twins get older and Tate gets more mature then I'm trying to do things with them that take more energy. It's just a lot more work cleaning up the messes from three little artists then it is cleaning up after one.

So what's my advice for you?? Don't say to me "I don't know how you do it" becasue one day I may just start charging a dollar everytime someone says it to me!

I Wish....

 

I wish I was one of those bloggers who could find something creative and funny to post each day. Or at the very least, something to post more often than I do. The truth is that on most days I'm just too tired. Too tired to even think of a topic to write about. Too tired to go through the hundreds of pictures I take in a month and post one and tell the story behind it. My days are filled with breaking up fights, cleaning up messes, picking up toys, changing diapers, making meals, cleaning up meals, putting kids down for naps, fixing boo-boos, reading books, doing laundry, thinking about how clean my house could be if I could just get it organized and get rid of some stuff, and stalking other people's interesting and creative blogs. Of course I also do a lot of playing blocks, attending tea parties, changing dollie diapers, feeding dollies, doing puzzles, making pretend meals and playing games. Then there's the "you have to practice your handwriting" fights that are immediately followed by the "you have to practice your reading" fights. Those are always fun! In the last couple of days we've added "leave the baby bunnies alone!" fights! While baby bunnies are very cute, it was not the smartest Bunny Mama on the block who decided to build her nest in our yard. Finally, we always end our day with the "brush your teeth" fight immediately followed by the "go to bed now" fight and the "stop goofing off and go to sleep" fight. I'm exhausted by the time lunch rolls around. It's summer. I should be spending my days outside enjoying the weather. Instead I'm stuck in the house watching too much TV because I'm just too lazy to keep four kids out of trouble in our backyard. I keep thinking that this is going to get better next year, or maybe the year after that. Then I feel guilty for not enjoying the moment I'm in. I wish I could. I wish I could be that person that lives in the "now" and is totally content with today and can overlook all the ugly things that come with being a stay-at-home mom. I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near a perfect mom. I wish I didn't yell so much. I wish I had more patience. I wish that my kids got along with each other better. I wish one in particular wasn't so good at finding trouble and making BIG messes! But at the end of each day, I have to remind myself that I'm here. That I'm trying. That I'm doing the best that I can. That no one is perfect. That my kids are turning out just fine. They have their problems, but in general they're good kids. They behave decently well in public. They know they are deeply loved and that Jesus loves them. I don't want them to grow-up too fast. I know I'm going to miss this crazy life that I lead. But I do long for it to get a little easier. I long for a day that I can just enjoy being with them. I wish for a family outing that doesn't feel like a disaster waiting to happen. I hope for a vacation that feels like a vacation and that doesn't end in me wishing we had just stayed home. This is me. I'm not perfect, but I know I make better decisions for my kids than that unlucky Bunny Mama did for her little ones. Yup, that's how low I've sunk. Telling myself I'm a better Mama than a Rabbit! I'm ok with that. Yesterday was bad. Today was ok. Tomorrow will be better. My goal for each day is simple: Try to find something to laugh about with each one of my kids at least once! If I can do that, then I had a pretty good day.

p.s. I also wish I was better at adding pictures to my posts. This darn thing never cooperates on the first try!

New Photos!!

I know I'm behind again. The days seem to get away from me. Here are a few recent shots :-)